Dreaming Big

I'm feeling very selfish right now.

I've had access to this wonderful bit of, well, information, for about a month, and I haven't shared it with anyone.

Why?

Because I was scared. Afraid of rejection, I have failed to mention it to any of my family or friends, even when you are all talking about how tired you are, how much energy you lack, or how much you wish you could find a way to make some extra cash. I have had ample opportunity to tell people, but my pride always jumped in my mouth before the words could come out.

But last night, our good friends came over a for a visit and we were discussing our dreams. Mainly, our dreams for the future. You know, "Where would you like to be in a year? Five years?"

And you know what's sad?

I have forgotten how to dream.

All my life, my dream has been to be married to a good man, have kids, live in a nice house, and be comfortable. If I could be a stay at home mom, even better.

Now, here I am at 31, and my dreams have come true? Really? This is it?

So as we're talking about our dreams, I realized that I still have dreams for our future -- our future as a family. But I had to dig really DEEP to find them. Of course, I have the immediate dream of finishing our basement and repainting the house. I suppose that one doesn't really count. Further in the future, I'd like to be able to take more than one vacation a year, preferrably out of the country. (For those of you who don't remember, Tim and I went to Colorado in February. What a pain now to know that our only vacation was taken that early in the year!) I would love not to have to worry about college for the kids -- for them to be able to go wherever they choose and not be strapped to a Georgia school just because they have to use the HOPE scholarship. (Naturally, I would be overjoyed if they both went to UGA, but whatever.)

More than anything I want to be able to stay home without feeling guilty all the time. This is the biggest issue. I know how hard Tim is working right now to take care of our family. He works ridiculous hours most of the time, and we still live, somewhat, paycheck to paycheck. And I have grown more and more guilty over this in the past few months. I know what a difference it would make if I was working. But secretly, I really don't want to go back next year either. I will because I don't like having to ask if it's OK if I buy Kendall a new pair of rain boots. But Tim knows how much money is coming in and how much needs to be going out in the next few weeks, so it's best to ask him first.

And all of that guilt on top of my lack of sleep and anxiety had put me into a serious stupor here. I had put back on about 10 lbs. My skin was flaring up again. My anxiety/depression was starting to creep back out of the shadows. My temper was horrible with the kids. The glass was always half empty. And I could feel myself beginning to snap.

Then, about a month ago, Tim came home and said that Will was coming over so we could buy some EMv.

Hunh?

I thought the same thing.

Allow me to explain.

Due to his crazy work schedule, Tim had taken to drinking those disgusting energy drinks -- you know the ones. NOS, Monster, Red Bull. And have you ever looked at the ingredient list for one of those things? If you can't read it, you shouldn't be putting it in your body, right? I mean, they were probably eating his stomach from the inside out. Plus, he hadn't been sleeping much and he was sick. And had been sick for a week or so.

So Will was coming over.

And Will brought his EMv (which is an energy drink made of juice ... and good for you). And before Tim could even get an order made, we had become distributors (mainly because it is cheaper to sign up as a distributor, and we're all about cheaper). We payed money we didn't have for a product we had never put in our mouths with the promise of sharing it with as many people as we could. Not because we are people of faith, but because we are people who are desperate for something to change. Desperation is a crazy thing!

And now here we are, a month later (and another shipment later), and we haven't shared it with anyone. Why? Because I'm scared of what people will think.

But that stops now.

Like I said before, I've been selfish. I'm so busy in my day-to-day life that I don't notice thw difference MonaVie has made. Here's a quick laundry list:

1. Better sleep - I don't sleep longer, per se, but when I wake up, I feel refreshed.
2. More productivity/focus - I finish my to-do list 5 days out of 7. And you stay at home mom's know what a big deal that is!
3. My temper is under control.
4. Cravings are down.
5. Skin is better.
6. My post-workout soreness is minimal.
7. Kendall says, "Mommy I can tell you feel better today."

And the biggest one is that there is a feeling of possibility here. Tim and I know that our future is in our hands. If we want things to be better, then we have to do something about it! So while we work on feeling better physically, we are also going to work on feeling better financially.

We haven't forgotten how to dream. And that's importnant. We are too young to be content -- we want to be happy. :)