I Still Do

Nine years ago I was running around frantically, waiting for the rain to stop. I was putting finishing touched on my makeup and hair. I was trying to keep people from taking pictures of me in my robe. I was trying to explain to my wedding coordinator that there was no "rain plan." I was looking at the dozen roses my fiance had sent over. I was admiring my choice in the Whitlock Inn -- what a gorgeous place to be married. I was looking out the window and watching as people arrived for the wedding I had been planning for 3 years. And I knew that it was going to be perfect.

The wedding.

The honeymoon.

The life.

And I was right. The wedding was perfect. Though it rained the entire day (and hadn't in 2 months prior to the day), it stopped just long enough for the carriage to drive my ring bearer, my flower girl, my daddy and me to the aisle. My dad walked me down the aisle, we said our vows, my best girlfriends stood beside me, Tim's best guy friends stood with him, and we said, "I do."

The honeymoon in Jamaica was equally as perfect. We stayed at the Sandals, ate and drank to our hearts' content. Shopped. Laid on the beaches. Loved every minute of it.

The life, while not always perfection, has been everything I could ask for. We have a strong marriage, two gorgeous kids, a smelly dog, and a beautiful house. I can only hope that we have 50 more years of perfection together.

Two Thoughts

One made me sad and then one made me smile. You decided which is which.

On the Sidelines

In some ways Kendall is so much like me ... she looks like Tim, but her personality is all me.

I hate that for her. As an adult, I'm not really that out-going, but I can carry on a conversation and make friends. I'm not the first to approach a new person, and I don't enjoy being the center of attention, but I'm no recluse.

Unfortunately, Kendall is just like me as a child. I was a reader, I preferred the air-conditioning to being out in the heat, and I had my small number of friends who I spent all my time with. I've mentioned before that we live in a neighborhood where most of the kids are older ... in fact, all of them are older. Tanner is the youngest, and Kendall is the second youngest. So while all the older kids are playing baseball or riding their bikes all over the neighborhood, my kids are stuck with each other. It's bad enough that they have to play together all day long, but then when the other kids are outside, Kendall wants to play so badly. Now that she's older, I've let her go out and play a few times without me, but then Tanner wants to follow, and he really is too young to be out there without an adult. So I have to go out then, and who wants to play with a kid while her mom is watching? You see the vicious cycle ...

So there's my dilemma. And Kendall is still so very --- well, I guess it's not shy --- but cautious. Apprehensive. She's so afraid of being rejected that she won't even approach the other kids to ask and play. (Just like me.) And the older kids aren't very patient with her -- they don't want to teach her to hit the ball, so they don't let her play baseball, for example. But she can ride a bike ... and she loves to run around and play ... yet the bigger kids still don't want to play with her. I know I shouldn't blame them. She is 5, and they are all in elementary school or middle. But yesterday really did it for me.

Tanner was napping, and I noticed that the girls were outside riding bikes. Perfect opportunity, right? So I pushed Kendall out the door and told her to get her bike. She stood on the porch for a while, waiting for one of the girls to invite her outside. When that didn't happen, she came back inside with her lip poking out. I tried to explain to her that she just had to get on her bike and go out there, but she wouldn't do it. When some of the boys came outside, they all started playing baseball in the neighbor's yard. Kendall said she wanted to go watch, so I told her to go on. A few minutes later, I looked outside and she was sitting on the curb in front of our driveway. By herself.

It crushed me. I want Kendall to be one who makes friends easily. Who isn't afraid to try new things. I know the girls in the neighborhood aren't always nice, and I also know that sometimes Kendall can be hard to be around (when she's tired or whiny), but I also know she won't approach them first. After a few minutes, she came inside saying that none of the kids wanted to play with her or be her friend. It broke my heart.

And this is new to me ... I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't know how to explain that the other kids are older and sometimes they do things that she can't do. I want her to understand that things can't always go her way. And that everyone doesn't have to be friends with her. But how do you explain that to a 5-year-old brain? Or a 5-year-old heart?

So I guess we'll just hope that the new school year introduces Kendall to some new confidence and new friends. We can start going back to dance and having play dates. I know she isn't "friendless," by any means., it would just be nice to have some kids in the neighborhood to play with -- that was the whole point of us living in a neighborhood.

(And while trying to get Kendall to understand all of this, I will try to bite my tongue when I see other kids being intentionally mean or hurtful. Theyy are just kids ...)

Chapter 7

This past week has been filled with emotions of all sorts. I've been more than anxious over the hearing with our trustee concerning the bankruptcy ... worried about what she would ask ... how we would answer questions ... how our image would be tarnished.

But as the meeting got closer, I found myself being bothered about other aspects of the bankruptcy. At first, I was so embarrassed that we were even going through all of this. I mean, really, how did we get here? How did we get to the point that we had to file bankruptcy in order to survive? I know, from the outside, we look all hunky-dory. We have a beautiful house (which we will still be living in now for 7 years or so), we drive nice cars, we wear nice clothes (not as nice as I'd like, but they'll do), we aren't starving ... but I've had to grow accustomed to living a very different way than I used to. I think back to last summer when I was shopping and spending money like it was no big deal. The kids and I would go places, go shopping and buy new shoes or clothes, and Tim would question how much I spent, but it was never really a big deal when I spent money.

This year is completely different. I find myself reading blogs from friends and hearing stories from other moms about how much fun they are having this summer. All the places they are going. Trips to the beach and Stone Mountain. Trips to museums and White Water. Even just going out to eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A is a luxury now. It's a very strange feeling. I'm finding myself depending more on my mom for new clothes or bathing suits for the kids. I haven't bought something new for myself in a long time, where as last summer I was buying new clothes every few weeks. I've also become a couponing queen -- at first because it made shopping a little more fun, but now because I need to get a lot of food for not-alot-of-money. I'm trying ... trying to stay positive ...

But on Thursday we had our hearing. Back to my original idea here. I had no idea what we were walking into. There is no privacy at all --- zero. You are sitting in this room with dozens of other people, explaining why you feel like your slate should be washed clean; why you possibly cannot find a way to make enough money to pay back your bills. I thought I would be embarrassed ... but there are certainly others who are worse off than we are. There are others who will lose their houses. There are others who will lose their cars. And then there are others who have filed bankruptcy before --- numerous times. (OK, so I don't feel sorry for them.) But in the end, I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought. I was more sad than anything else. Tim was letting go of his business. Sequoia Builders Development, Inc, is shut down. Caput. Finito.

And when the trustee asked, "When the business was shut down, what were the company's assets?" and Tim said, "Zero," it ripped a hole in my heart. Nothing. We got nothing out of his 5 years in business. Well, I mean we got a beautiful house out of it, but all that blood, sweat, and tears ... all those hours of work ... all that time away from his family ... all for nothing? It just doesn't seem possible for it to all be over and we have a minimal amount to show for it.

So from here on we start over, I guess. I will continue to attempt to save us some money ... or better yet, just not spend any ... I will attempt to get a job ... Tim will attempt to work lots of overtime without driving himself to an early grave ... and hopefully, everything will be OK.

And in the future we will remember what this feels like so as not to be here again ...

Snakes, and Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails

For those of you who do not have a little boy, I'm not sure you truly understand what it's like to have one running around the house.

And I say "running" because that's actually how they move -- it's not a figure of speech at all. Tanner isn't going anywhere unless he's running there.

I have found myself collecting little memories here and there in order to write this post, and it has taken me a while since I seem to forget one thing only to be reminded of it when he does something else "cute."

So here is my list -- the lessons I've learned from my little boy (so far).

1) If it is quiet, he's doing something wrong. A few weeks ago, Tanner and Kendall had gone upstairs to play while I was folding laundry. I'm always thankful that I am able to send them to another part of the house when I have things to do that don't require any distractions. Anyway, they usually don't last long upstairs before I hear someone screaming or crying or a toy comes flying down the stairs. It had been about 15 minutes, and there hadn't been one peep. I came upstairs to find Kendall "washing" an ink pad in the sink ("Why won't the red wash off, Mommy?"), attempting to hide the evidence that Tanner had just stamped his way down the hallway -- literally. He had taken one of Tim's stamps from the desk -- this one happened to say PAID -- and stamped it several times down the hallway. Red ink. Lovely.

2) If he says "Don't look at me," he wants to stick his hands down his pants without you watching. This is a new thing. Just this summer, Tanner has "discovered" himself. I can't remember exactly when it happened, but there was a day when we were putting on his swimmie diaper and he noticed that his wee-wee "comes out" when he -- ummm -- messes with it. So now he likes to experiment -- and he experiments a lot. Just last night he was experimenting in the back seat of the truck coming home from DeeDee's house. Good times.

3) If he says he's full to the top, he still has room for ______________ (fill in the blank with something sweet). No matter what we eat for dinner, Tanner still has room for fruit snacks or ice cream. Enough said.

4) If he can figure out how to get his shirt or shoes off, they're coming off. I've pretty much decided that Tanner doesn't need shirts unless we are going to a restaurant to eat. He only wears them long enough to eat anyway ...

5) If you buy him a new toy, you might as well buy a real one, not one from the dollar bin. Why? Because the cheap toy has met its match and will be destroyed within mere moments. We bought a toy fire engine last week and Tanner had the ladder broken before we even got out of the parking lot of Learning Express.

6) If you must go to a store that has Thomas the Train, leave your boy at home. Unless you want to spend money. And the smallest Thomas usually runs you about $13. If you aren't planning on spending that, it is wise to leave him with someone at home or be prepared for a meltdown on the way out the door.

7) If you don't think he will do something, he inevitably will. I was sure Tanner wouldn't touch a hot sparkler after he saw it was on fire. But, none the less, once that fire went out, he just had to hold it by the "hot" end. (And also, if you think, "He'll only do it once," and think that he will learn his lesson, I must say you are wrong.)

This one is my favorite --

8) If he gets a boo boo, Mommy is still the one who makes everything better. And apparently this will always be the same ...