Chapter 7

This past week has been filled with emotions of all sorts. I've been more than anxious over the hearing with our trustee concerning the bankruptcy ... worried about what she would ask ... how we would answer questions ... how our image would be tarnished.

But as the meeting got closer, I found myself being bothered about other aspects of the bankruptcy. At first, I was so embarrassed that we were even going through all of this. I mean, really, how did we get here? How did we get to the point that we had to file bankruptcy in order to survive? I know, from the outside, we look all hunky-dory. We have a beautiful house (which we will still be living in now for 7 years or so), we drive nice cars, we wear nice clothes (not as nice as I'd like, but they'll do), we aren't starving ... but I've had to grow accustomed to living a very different way than I used to. I think back to last summer when I was shopping and spending money like it was no big deal. The kids and I would go places, go shopping and buy new shoes or clothes, and Tim would question how much I spent, but it was never really a big deal when I spent money.

This year is completely different. I find myself reading blogs from friends and hearing stories from other moms about how much fun they are having this summer. All the places they are going. Trips to the beach and Stone Mountain. Trips to museums and White Water. Even just going out to eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A is a luxury now. It's a very strange feeling. I'm finding myself depending more on my mom for new clothes or bathing suits for the kids. I haven't bought something new for myself in a long time, where as last summer I was buying new clothes every few weeks. I've also become a couponing queen -- at first because it made shopping a little more fun, but now because I need to get a lot of food for not-alot-of-money. I'm trying ... trying to stay positive ...

But on Thursday we had our hearing. Back to my original idea here. I had no idea what we were walking into. There is no privacy at all --- zero. You are sitting in this room with dozens of other people, explaining why you feel like your slate should be washed clean; why you possibly cannot find a way to make enough money to pay back your bills. I thought I would be embarrassed ... but there are certainly others who are worse off than we are. There are others who will lose their houses. There are others who will lose their cars. And then there are others who have filed bankruptcy before --- numerous times. (OK, so I don't feel sorry for them.) But in the end, I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought. I was more sad than anything else. Tim was letting go of his business. Sequoia Builders Development, Inc, is shut down. Caput. Finito.

And when the trustee asked, "When the business was shut down, what were the company's assets?" and Tim said, "Zero," it ripped a hole in my heart. Nothing. We got nothing out of his 5 years in business. Well, I mean we got a beautiful house out of it, but all that blood, sweat, and tears ... all those hours of work ... all that time away from his family ... all for nothing? It just doesn't seem possible for it to all be over and we have a minimal amount to show for it.

So from here on we start over, I guess. I will continue to attempt to save us some money ... or better yet, just not spend any ... I will attempt to get a job ... Tim will attempt to work lots of overtime without driving himself to an early grave ... and hopefully, everything will be OK.

And in the future we will remember what this feels like so as not to be here again ...