On the Sidelines

In some ways Kendall is so much like me ... she looks like Tim, but her personality is all me.

I hate that for her. As an adult, I'm not really that out-going, but I can carry on a conversation and make friends. I'm not the first to approach a new person, and I don't enjoy being the center of attention, but I'm no recluse.

Unfortunately, Kendall is just like me as a child. I was a reader, I preferred the air-conditioning to being out in the heat, and I had my small number of friends who I spent all my time with. I've mentioned before that we live in a neighborhood where most of the kids are older ... in fact, all of them are older. Tanner is the youngest, and Kendall is the second youngest. So while all the older kids are playing baseball or riding their bikes all over the neighborhood, my kids are stuck with each other. It's bad enough that they have to play together all day long, but then when the other kids are outside, Kendall wants to play so badly. Now that she's older, I've let her go out and play a few times without me, but then Tanner wants to follow, and he really is too young to be out there without an adult. So I have to go out then, and who wants to play with a kid while her mom is watching? You see the vicious cycle ...

So there's my dilemma. And Kendall is still so very --- well, I guess it's not shy --- but cautious. Apprehensive. She's so afraid of being rejected that she won't even approach the other kids to ask and play. (Just like me.) And the older kids aren't very patient with her -- they don't want to teach her to hit the ball, so they don't let her play baseball, for example. But she can ride a bike ... and she loves to run around and play ... yet the bigger kids still don't want to play with her. I know I shouldn't blame them. She is 5, and they are all in elementary school or middle. But yesterday really did it for me.

Tanner was napping, and I noticed that the girls were outside riding bikes. Perfect opportunity, right? So I pushed Kendall out the door and told her to get her bike. She stood on the porch for a while, waiting for one of the girls to invite her outside. When that didn't happen, she came back inside with her lip poking out. I tried to explain to her that she just had to get on her bike and go out there, but she wouldn't do it. When some of the boys came outside, they all started playing baseball in the neighbor's yard. Kendall said she wanted to go watch, so I told her to go on. A few minutes later, I looked outside and she was sitting on the curb in front of our driveway. By herself.

It crushed me. I want Kendall to be one who makes friends easily. Who isn't afraid to try new things. I know the girls in the neighborhood aren't always nice, and I also know that sometimes Kendall can be hard to be around (when she's tired or whiny), but I also know she won't approach them first. After a few minutes, she came inside saying that none of the kids wanted to play with her or be her friend. It broke my heart.

And this is new to me ... I don't know how to explain it to her. I don't know how to explain that the other kids are older and sometimes they do things that she can't do. I want her to understand that things can't always go her way. And that everyone doesn't have to be friends with her. But how do you explain that to a 5-year-old brain? Or a 5-year-old heart?

So I guess we'll just hope that the new school year introduces Kendall to some new confidence and new friends. We can start going back to dance and having play dates. I know she isn't "friendless," by any means., it would just be nice to have some kids in the neighborhood to play with -- that was the whole point of us living in a neighborhood.

(And while trying to get Kendall to understand all of this, I will try to bite my tongue when I see other kids being intentionally mean or hurtful. Theyy are just kids ...)