Breaking the Habit

Several months ago it was brought to my attention that I was possibly mis-dosed (not really a word, I know) when my doctor prescribed my anti-depressant. It appeared to me, at the time, that he had given me way to much of these little white miracle pills; several of my friends were not on 300 mg, as I am. Most of my friends freaked when they heard he started me out at 300 mg. Anyway, I hadn't thought much about it. Just kept popping my pills, unaware that they were doing me absolutely no good. In fact, after doing some homework with Dr. Internet, I think my anti-depressants may have actually, well, depressed me even more.

Allow me to explain.

I went to my doctor last April hoping to get something for the anxiety I had been feeling. Anxiety over having 2 kids under the age of 5 is unavoidable ... but I felt like I needed something to help me cope with the ups and downs in my mood. He prescribed Wellbutrin only after I asked for it. A few of my friends had told me that Wellbutrin is the only anti-depressant that keeps you from gaining weight and has little to no sexual side effects. Dr. W agreed to let me try it with the understanding that, if I didn't like it, he would give me something else. (I had already decided, though, that I wasn't going to take anything else if this didn't work. No weight gain for me. Vain, I know.)

I'm not sure what I expected, but the first day when I got home and had my prescription filled, I couldn't wait to pop that first pill. I probably should've waited until the next day; no one told me it would feel like I was on SPEED the first time I took it. (Warning #1 that I should've checked this out before I asked for it.) So I didn't really feel any different except for the sweating and the racing pulse. And then, that night, I didn't sleep. At all. Not for a second. And we all know that I certainly don't need to NOT sleep.

I vowed to give it at least a month to kick in, but the first week was a nightmare. I was more irritable than ever; I got a UTI; libido was all out of whack. Once everything leveled out, I was OK. Mind you, I wasn't great. But just OK. My meds are time-released, which means I take them in the morning and they last all day (except for those hours before the kids go to bed; nothing can help then). I've been taking them now for about 10 1/2 months, I guess, and I have converted many of my "depressed and anxious" friends over to this wonder drug (not). I even talked my mom into trying it after fighting with her weight on her medicine. (Yes, we're just a big ole' family of sad people!) And Mom is the one who really got me thinking last week. Her doctor told her that Wellbutrin isn't for anxiety -- it's for depression.

What? I remember specifically telling my doc that I was not depressed; I was anxious.

Anyway, I thought I should probably check this out online before I go back to my doctor in a few weeks. So I Googled Wellbutrin side effects, and this is what I found:

Not a treatment for anxiety. In fact, some of the negative side effects are increased sleeplessness, irritability, anxiety, and dizziness.

And I feel 1000X better after reading that. It's not just me!!!! I thought I was the only one in the world who took anti-depressants, and they made me even more insane!! Lord knows I don't need any help being irritable; Tim can attest to that. All this time I though I was taking something that would help me keep my cool with my kids, when, in fact, I have been even more upset and angry with them due to these "possible" side effects.

Now all you Wellbutrin poppers, don't think that you need to stop taking yours. I know a lot of people who have had great results with it. I just think it may be time for me to try other methods of taking care of my inner turmoil. Yoga ... therapy ... locking myself in a closet and screaming ... going back to work ... wine ... whatever it may be. I just can't see taking a pill just for the sake of taking a pill.

And it doesn't hurt that it will save us some cash too.

So here's to turning over a new leaf -- hopefully the other side is greener ...

Much-needed

So I was clearing out some files on the computer last week and I found this. God must've known I needed to be reminded of how lucky I am to have this gorgeous, healthy little girl in my life. So many people I know probably read my blogs and think, "I wish I had a little girl to sass to me" or "I wish I had a kid to keep me up at night or hang all over me at dinner." I am sorry I have been so negligent with your feelings.

I had forgotten about this little play session with Daddy ... which tells me that I'll probably forget about all this bad stuff with Kendall, as well. I hope you enjoy this flashback as much as I did.

Just a (long) peek ...

... at our (my) night last night.



** Disclaimer: This account is 100% my perspective, that being the perspective of the one getting up with the child and then not going to work. The opinions expressed are only those of an exhausted woman, not those of her her equally-exhausted (I'm sure) husband.



8:PM -- Kids are bathed, dressed in PJ's and ready to say good night. Tim takes Tanner to his bed while I get Kendall in hers. The nightly ritual begins. It takes several minutes to get her settled -- the right lovey, the right blanket, the right animals (which are different every night), the right song to lull her to sleep. Last night was "You Are My Sunshine," which I still love singing to her. Then I kiss her good night, we talk about the sweet dreams she will have about princesses, swimming pools, and pink bears, and I walk out of the room. ("I'm gonna miss this ...")



8:04 -- Return to Kendall's room to answer the usual questions -- "Are there any monsters?" "Is this house gonna break?" Then I remind her that if she calls Mommy again, I will close her door. Kiss good night, walk out of room.



8:30ish -- While trying to watch Ugly Betty, I hear Tanner crying and coughing. So I'm the one who must go in to comfort him. "He's gonna want you." OK ... 15 minutes later I exit after pleading with Tanner to let me put him back in his crib so he can rest and we can go play at Meg's house tomorrow. "With her Backyardigans guitar???" Yes, Tanner, with her guitar. (How does he remember this stuff?)



8:50 -- Kendall wakes up with a yelp. I run to her room, afraid she will keep Tanner from falling asleep. We go through the usual things -- she's not really awake, I try to comfort her but it doesn't work. She just keeps flailing and kicking her covers off. Finally, she asks if she can come sleep in my bed. I try to patiently explain (while Dr. Shepherd is trying to save the pregnant woman with the brain bleed) that she hasn't even been asleep for an hour yet. Out of the room again.



10 PM -- Tim and I hit the hay. I can't really sleep very well after watching that guy lose his wife. After asking Tim if he would cry like that if I died, I drift off to sleep. But not before thinking, "I wonder if she will wake up tonight?"



11:30 PM -- Here we go. Just a little check to make sure Mom didn't leave her alone with the monsters in the house that is breaking. A little kiss puts her right back to sleep. I return to my bed, sing a little Trace Adkins to myself, and drift back to Neverland.



2:15 AM -- Aye yi yi -- you must be kidding!! The post-2 AM wakings are never a good sign. Usually if I can get right in there and tend to her, she'll go back to sleep with no fuss. But not this time. When I go in her room, she is sitting up in her bed. I ask what is wrong; she says she wants to get in my bed; I say no, that she has to sleep in her bed, etc. I try to get back in the bed and go back to sleep, but there is no use. I just lie there, wondering when she will cry out again. As expected, she calls for me at 2:25, then again about 10 minutes after that, and so on.

After the 2:25 wake up, I decide to just try to catch some 5 minute cat naps on the couch, in between the protests and crying from Kendall. Just as I start to doze, I hear another cry or yell. Either she needs to go potty, or her panties are wet (of course!), or she wants to sleep in my bed (Mind you, she hasn't slept in my bed in months!), or she wants to know what Daddy is doing. All in the name of not going to sleep.

I glance at the clock a few times but then decide it is better not to look at my night of sleep ticking away. Not only can I see my time to sleep fading, but I feel the build-up of a ticking time bomb for the morning (either Kendall or me -- it's questionable who will explode first when we haven't had our sleep). As I lie on the couch, I find myself thinking all those horrible things moms aren't supposed to think. I don't understand why I'm still dealing with all this sleep crap. I still don't think it's fair that my friends who have newborns are getting more sleep at night than I am. I still don't think it's fair that I have to deal with this on my own.

OK, I can hear it all ready. Yes, Tim works. He works hard. And he's tired. And he gets up at 5 AM every morning. And he can't be sleepy because he works with electricity and napping during work would be a catastrophe. But 4 nights our of 7, I am up for this same period of time in the night, whether it be with Kendall or Tanner.

So I am left to fend for myself with a child who cannot be reasoned with during the night or that cannot understand why she feels so grumpy (and why Mommy does too) all day long. It's a vicious cycle.

I consider spanking her, locking her door, yelling at her. Then I consider some less drastic alternatives, all of which would hurt her just as much in the long run -- getting in the bed with her (which I also haven't done in months), letting her get up and watch TV til she falls back asleep, just staying in my bed and ignoring her. But I can't do any of it -- not because I think it is mean or cruel, but because I don't want to wake Tanner.

4:15 AM -- With one last glance at the clock, I crawl in my bed. This is after repeated door closings (We got up to 5 minutes this time.) and threats of not going to Meg's house in the morning. I wait for about 10 more minutes to hear some more crying, listen to my stomach growl, and my eyes close. And then ...

Tim's alarm goes off.

What?!!! God has to be kidding. I have literally been awake my entire night??? And now I have to listen to Tim's alarm go off and snooze for the next 30 minutes or so before I can really get some sleep.

I'm not sure how or when it happens, but I fall asleep, and sleep well until 7:15 when Kendall bounces in my room and screams, "Wake up, Mom!" I think of saying, "Buzz off, Kendall," and would have had it not been for the fact that A) I need to take a shower (for Heather's sake), and B) I am NOT about to miss our play date (for my sake). So I climb out of bed, turn on the coffee pot, and pull out some PopTarts. I zone out during breakfast, half-way listening to Tanner and Kendall discussing their plans for the day -- "We will play outside and go to Meg's house and I will hold Kate and we will play with Meg's toys and I do not have dance today so we can play Play-Doh and then Daddy will come home and you will take a nap and I can play on the computer" --

HOLD UP!

"No, you won't, Miss Priss. You, my dear, will be taking a nap when Tanner does. I will not have another monster at the dinner table tonight. And your throat is never going to get better if you don't rest. And you have to get better so you can go back to school on Monday. You have to."

So now, here we are, back from Heather, Meg, and Kate's house. I am blogging with one eye open, between yawns. Tanner and Kendall are both in their rooms; sleeping? I don't know. And I don't care. This is just a much-needed break.

Don't feel like you have to sympathise with me or reassure me of what a good mom I am. I know that I'm doing what I can -- and as long as I have a few people to vent to, I'm good! So thanks for reading and letting me vent!!

No UTI ...

... just strep throat?!!!

Yep, I mentioned her not sleeping and running a fever a week ago, and they stuck those ginormous Qtips down her throat and tested her for strep.

While we waited for the results, I told the doctor about the panty-thing, and she said that it sounds more like an attention-getting strategy. Since it started out that she was wet (because she wasn't wiping herself well enough) and I had to come take care of it, now she does it because it gets her attention. Because she's going to be taking meds for the throat thing, if there is a UTI, it should clear up over the next 10 days.

Sigh.

I feel really bad now. But she's on some antibiotics, and should be good as new soon. She all ready slept a ton better last night (actually fell asleep on Tim's lap after dinner - "You're gonna miss this.").

I'm Gonna Miss This??????

So I've had Trace Adkins' song "You're Gonna Miss This" running through my head for a few days now. If you're not familiar with the song, allow me to recite a few lines --

"You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast.
These are some good times
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this."

The tune is not jammed in my brain because it is a "catchy tune" or anything like that. I am purposely keeping it in my brain, right on the tip of my tongue in fact, at all times. It appears that Kendall is having a hard time adjusting to my being back home. While we have been home for a week now, Kendall and I have been at each other's throats the entire time. She was sick when we got home; just a fever and a sore throat. So I granted her that whining because I knew she didn't feel good. Now, she's perfectly well, that I can see.

And we're still at each other's throats. I feel like everything is just so dramatic with her. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can't just call out for me; she must scream and moan. When she wakes up in the morning, she is an angel until Tanner gets up. Then the battles begin.

"Kendall, so you want yogurt or french toasts sticks for breakfast?"
"I donnnn't wannnnnt to eat."
"OK, well I'm going to make some french toast for Tanner."
"But I wannnnnt to eat some yogurt!!!!"

Aye yi yi.

And so the day goes on. Every decision is a battle. She is so darn stubborn. And I know she's growing up so fast. And I know that I have vowed to make these last few months with my babies perfect -- but she's fighting me, tooth and nail, all the way!!

I hear what you're thinking -- "You're the mother." "She's only 4." "Give her a break." Or maybe you're thinking, "I'd put her butt in timeout." "Take away something she loves." "Give her some boundaries."

Yes, yes, I know. I've tried all of those things. Nothing seems to work. And now, just when I thought we had the sleep thing figured out (somewhat), she's started waking up again. But now, instead of wanting me to get in bed with her, she wants to (brace yourself) change her panties.

What?!!

Please, someone who has a little girl, tell me that you have gone through this with your daughter? I'm afraid something might be wrong with her. At first, I chalked it up to a new pack of Princess panties. She just wanted to wear every pair as soon as they came out of the washer and dryer. So she kept saying she was "wet," so she needed new panties. Now it appears to be a problem. Every time she uses the bathroom, we have to go through this long process of making sure she is completely dry. Then, 3 minutes later, she's crying because she's wet. Or because she thinks she's wet. So I have to show her that she's not wet. Last night, after she woke up the 3 time, I decided to check out what Doctor Internet had to say. So Web MD says she may have UTI.

Ewww, so wonder she's so mean and nasty all the time. I know what those feel like.

So we;re off to the doctor to see what's going on "down there.
I shall fill you in when we return.

"You're gonna miss this ....."

If it has to be cold ...

... then THAT was certainly the way to do it!

For those of you who have never seen Colorado, you must visit there sometime, preferably in the winter. It is breath-taking -- no exaggeration. Being a Southern girl, I've never seen real snow. Until now. In fact, our trip to Colorado caused me to do many things I've never tried before; some by accident and some on purpose.

First, I took a 3 hour plane ride -- never done that before. Shorter trips have always been my M.O., but it wasn't all together bad. I read and chewed gum in hopes that my ears wouldn't pop too much. Oh, and I drank tons of water in order to avoid the dreaded "altitude sickness." This, consequently, caused me to drive the man next to me crazy by needing to go the bathroom on the airplane during the flight. The flight back was even better because my wonderful husband (who's now 32, mind you) changed our seats to row 19. If ever given the chance, I highly recommend this. We were an exit row (which means, God help us, we were in charge of getting everyone off the plane in a crash situation), but it was well worth it because there were no people in front of us and we could stretch out our legs. Niiiiice.

Second, I did ski. Well, I guess you could call it skiing. I think I fell more than I skied, but I tried. Though I didn't really give it a good effort -- I gave up on the first day and then never went back out -- I did put on all my cute new ski clothes, take pictures, put on the skis, get on and off the lift, and attempt to get down the mountain. Fortunately, there are these really cute ski patrol guys who save damsels in distress when they get stuck on the mountain. So one was called by this really sweet woman who felt sorry for me on the walk-of-shame back to the top of the lift (in hopes of catching a ride back down the mountain). I think she could see me starting to wheeze (the air is so thin up there!), so she whipped out her blackberry and called me a cutie! He picked me up, strapped me to his toboggan (sled), and pulled me down the mountain. Though some would disagree with me, I believe I had a lot more fun tobogganing down the mountain than I would've skiing! My disappointing ski attempt was at no fault of my ski teachers Jess, Niki, and Ashley. They were very patient with me, trying to explain to me how to snow-plow, dig my skis in, try not to fall, etc. But their attempts were no match for my stubbornness or my distaste for embarrassment. So after falling several times and being buried in waist-deep snow, I threw my poles one final time and gave up. You can't say I didn't "try."

Third, I played drunk goggle Phase 10. Super fun. I recommend it to everyone. One of the highlites of the trip.

Fourth, I drank and enjoyed red wine. Apparently, it tastes better when you are among friends who will laugh with you and be silly. Who knew?

Fifth, I walked to dinner and shopped in 13 degree weather. It was really cold in Colorado, but it's a different kind of cold. It's not unbearable, like it is at home. Perhaps it's because we had on all the clothes (toboggans, coats, boots, wool socks, and gloves), but I think it has more to do with the humidity and the beauty of the snow. You can't feel bad about being cold when gigantic snow flakes are falling on your eyelashes and you have this gorgeous view.

Last, I had some peace and quiet. Tim spent most of the days skiing with the guys, which is fine because that's exactly what we went for. The other couples who went with us brought their children, but we decided to leave ours home. Though this led to a lot of quiet and rest for me, I missed my kids MISERABLY. The first day wasn't too bad, but after that it just got more and more painful. I suppose because I saw how much the other toddlers loved the snow, it made me realize that my little ones would've really enjoyed the trip. I talked to the kids every night (sometimes twice a day), and they did fine with their grandparents, but it sure made the days go by slowly to be alone for so long.

So, all in all, a good trip. I will certainly go back to ski country, if ever given the opportunity. I will take my babies with me next time, and I will leave the ski clothes as home. I'm thinking that the hot tub is more up my alley! And maybe some ice skating ... perhaps I'll attempt to ski again, simply to make Tim happy. But I think he was perfectly content skiing around with the guys and leaving me to read, drink hot chocolate, and watch TV in the condo. Which is just fine with me!

The Grocery Game

Because I am so incredibly excited about my discovery (OK, it wasn't my discovery; more like a suggestion from several friends), I must share my new money-saving method. Most of my friends know that, in an effort to save us some cash here and there (OK, and to keep me from possibly going back to work), I've started cutting coupons. I was cutting them here and there before, printing them off the Internet every once in a while. Then I realized that I was only saving 35 cents here and there. Because I do not wish to eat Ramen and macaroni and cheese forever (by the way this is a complete exaggeration -- Tim wants me to tell everyone that we are not as broke as I make us sound), I have taken the advice of several friends and joined the Grocery Game.

I heard about this "game" several months ago from Stacey. However, I thought you had to do alot of work to enjoy the savings. The stories I had heard involved checking the Internet, cutting coupons, checking sales flyers, shopping at 3 or 4 grocery stores for the best deals ... you get my drift. But, finally, I've given in, and I cannot tell you how happy I am about it!

For those of you who are not familiar with the game, here it is in a nutshell (a very small nutshell). You sign up on the website, pick which stores you shop at (you can pick 1 or you can pick 4), then "Teri" gives you her list from that store. Basically, she does all the work for you -- accept paying for the groceries and dealing with the kids in the buggy while you try to find things that match your coupons. The list is separated into different categories -- free, stockpiling, and needs. Then, get this, she tells you which coupons to cut from which flyers/newspapers!!!!

What??!!

So I've been shopping at Kroger and Publix, planning meals around the sale flyers and which coupons I have for the week. There is a fee for participating in the game, but it is not much compared to how much you end up saving. I am by no means a professional saver now, but I have saved over $160 in two weeks by using coupons and shopping according to "Teri's" tips.

So ... if you want to, check it out. I highly recommend it, even if you aren't a coupon-addict, as I now am.