39???!!!

I'm going to send out a quick post before making some lunch for my little man. I must share something I learned about myself yesterday.

Granted, I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself about this, but my Wii Fit told me I am 39 years old.

For those of you who don't have one, you get a profile done when you get a Wii Fit. They ask you your age and height, then weigh you, and calculate your BMI. I was OK with all of that; my BMI is healthy (22), and my little Mii stick figure is cute and skinny. But then I had to do this balance test, which I didn't do so well on.

Why? I'm not sure.

I mean this body is well-balanced! I danced for years. I did gymnastics for years. I cheered for more years. I know how to balance, for goodness sake!

So after trying to fit this little red dot into a blue circle in the middle of the TV screen, the Wii calculated that, according to my height, weight, actual age, and test scores, I am 39 years old.

Argh.

Is this really what I want to hear the day before I officially move into my "30's"?

Changes

No, I'm not blogging about the new President. Tricked you, hunh? Instead of talking about the happenings of today (which I'm sure EVERYONE is tired of hearing about), I'll tell you about some changes occurring in the Morris household.

Let's see ... Tim and I traded the Tahoe yesterday. Down-sized, if you will. I'm finally back in a car- a little, teeny, close-to-the-road car. And I love it! We've got a 2009 Honda Accord, nothing too fancy, but it serves it's purpose. I'm obviously not on the road to getting the Audi I was after, so I'll take the Honda. What did the kids have to say about it? Kendall : "Wow!! It's so cute!" (Everything is "cute" to Kendall. "Cute" or "ridiculous.") Tanner : "You got new car, Mommy? Where da movie?" (No DVD, which should prove to be interesting.) My favorite part? It's a tie between the fact that I don't have to heave the kids up into their car seats and the $150-dollars-cheaper car payment. Just one way we're trying to make ends meet these days.

What else? I've been inspired after watching Wife Swap last week. Did you see the crazy coupon family? How awesome were they?!! They could get $100 worth of groceries for 10 bucks!! So that's my new goal ... to clip like crazy and, hopefully, save like a madwoman.

Sequoia Builders Development has halted all construction due to lack of funds. I hope Tim doesn't get upset by me announcing this. We're thinking that everyone is just plain out of money. So we've been watching Tim's dream flush down the toilet for the last few weeks. He has 3 unfinished, un-sold houses and 1 finished house in our neighborhood. And no one's shopping for houses. Yes, it's a buyer's market, but that doesn't matter when the buyer's don't have money either. Tim seems OK with the situation. I know he's tired of everything -- tired of the stress, tired of the long hours, tired of having to tell people what to do and when to do it -- and for what? For a few bucks after the houses close? No, thanks anyway. So he's happily going back to being just a plain ole' electrician, and that's fine by me.

Hmmm, the job search -- I know you're all wondering about that. Well, I got Cobb County turned in, but they don't post jobs until March, and everything has to be done online. So we'll see. I'm waiting on my PRAXIS II test scores to turn in my Cherokee application. Why they need those, I'm not absolutely sure, but I've been waiting on them for a few weeks. Hopefully that will be resolved soon. I've also been spending some time online looking at online tutoring and teaching opportunities for now and for the Fall. Maybe, just maybe, if I can find some source of income, I'll be able to stay home for one more year. I'm excited about the idea but not getting my hopes up right now. I did apply for a PRAXIS scoring job today; I'll have to score the written portions of PRAXIS tests being taken by teachers now. I don't think it starts until May (closer to graduation), but it pays $18 an hour, so that would be fab-u-lous! Cross your fingers.

I guess that's all that's been going on around here. Aside from hoping for some snow, we've just been hanging out. If it's going to be this cold, we better get some darn snow!!

Nerves, Anxiety, Guilt and Insomnia

The 4 certain feelings all moms must feel when they are forced to return to the work force. I feel all of these feelings in different combinations throughout the day, every day.

This is where I stand right now. I have known for a year that this was my last year at home with my children. And I have been OK with it until now simply because, well, honestly, I thought Tim would sell a few houses and I would end up being able to stay home another year. So now here I am, filling out applications to return to teaching, forced to explain why I wish to be a teacher, why I wish to work in ___ County, and my philosophy on education. I am supposed to squeeze all of this information into 9-10 lines that are about 8 inches long.

How do I explain why I wish to work in the school system when I don't actually want to go back to work? Don't get me wrong -- I love teaching; there's nothing I've ever wanted to do more (except be a mom). And I'm a good teacher. My students generally liked me, I got along with my colleagues, I related to my parents well, and I got my work done in a timely and adequate fashion. My last day at work, I cried all day because I was fearful of what life would be like when I wasn't working anymore. I knew I would miss my friends and my students. I knew I would miss the adult interaction. I knew I would miss the continuing education .... I've always been a sucker for learning. Dorky - I know - but true.

Those first few months at home were a whirlwind -- we moved to Canton, I had another baby, and life as a stay-at-home mom began. I was depressed for a while, constantly emailing my teacher friends, asking about my students from the year before. Then the e-mails got further and further apart ...

Now I find myself here, 2 1/2 years later, embarking on this "new" phase that I'm not whole-heartedly into. Because the housing market has not been good to us, I must return to work. We cannot possibly live on Tim's paycheck alone (well, we probably could, but not in the fashion we have grown accustomed to). So I have filled out the applications, written the resume, and mailed the reference forms to be filled out. I have formulated a plan in my head for the logistics of how next year will run. I plan to get a job in Cherokee County, and I will take Kendall to either the school where I work (if it's elementary) or to the feeder school (if it's middle school). She can stay in ASP after she gets out of school until I can pick her up when school gets out. So Kendall is taken care of.

Then there's Tanner -- my sweet, uncorrupted angel-baby. Untouched by the influence of other children, he is still so sweet and kind and loving. I am terrified that he will no longer be this sweet baby boy once I go back to work. I am terrified to leave him at a daycare center. I am terrified to leave him with a babysitter. I am terrified of so many things.

So now, the once excited-to-get-back-to-the-real-world woman is suffering from insomnia and anxiety. As I go through the day-to-day activities of my home, I find myself thinking, "How will I ever get all this done when I go back to work?" I don't know how I will be able to get myself and 2 kids ready for school and work and get there on time. (I have visions of showing up at work carrying one of my kid's lunchboxes or putting on my mascara driving down the road.) I don't know how I will be able to get home from work, get dinner ready, clean up dinner, spend quality time with my family, get the kids bathed and in bed, get papers graded and lessons planned, and get sleep at night. Then my weekends will be filled with more paper grading and lesson planning -- I just don't know how I'll do it. I know other women do it all the time -- and many do it without a husband. But I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm built that way. I mean, I worked when Kendall was a baby -- and I remember the papers that piled up on my couch every night. And Kendall was a baby, not requiring a lot of "attention." And I was lucky enough to have wonderful neighbors who watched her right across the street. I never worried for a second during the day that she was not getting the best care possible. Those women loved her almost as much as I do. How can I be sure that someone will love Tanner that much? Someone who doesn't even know him?

So this is where I am now. Tim wants me to go back to work yesterday -- and it's unfair for me to hold that against him. We do need the money desperately, and he has worked his butt off the past three years so I could stay home. But I also know that me going back to work is going to put even more pressure on him -- to be home, to spend time with the kids, to take over some of the household duties, to put up with my stress. I'm interested to see how he feels about this trade-off after 6 months of work ...

I will continue to pray about all of this -- I've never prayed so hard in my life about something. I'm hoping that I still have a chance to stay home for one more year -- then Tanner will be old enough for pre-K and Kendall will be in 1st grade. And if I can't stay home, I'm hoping that God will help me find a way to alleviate these feelings of guilt I'm having about leaving Tanner. Either He will help me find a suitable school/day care or a suitable sitter. I'm still not sure which I prefer for him. Just one more thing to think about.

It's finally here ...

... the day that moms of little girls dream of ... the day of the first dance costume ...

Ahhh, I've dreamt of it for so long. I wanted to start Kendall in dance last year, even the year before, but I couldn't be sure that she would enjoy it or understand why she had to stay in if she decided she just didn't like it anymore. So this year I signed her up, and so far she's really enjoyed it. She has a small class, and her best friend Brookie is in her class. We go every Friday at 1, and she spends the rest of the afternoon shuffling and kick-ball-changing around the house. She is in a tap and ballet class, simply because I couldn't choose between the two. I'm going to let her decide which one she likes better, if it ever comes to that.

Anyway, I signed Kendall up after the classes had already begun in the fall, and I had to pay recital fees right away. Seems strange since recital isn't until June. But they had to go ahead and get everyone fitted for their costumes, etc., etc. So I paid, and Tim has no idea how much, and now we're on track for a dance recital I simply cannot wait for!!

We arrived yesterday and Ms. Kitty announced that today was costume try-ons. You just don't even know!!! I cannot put into words what it felt like to see Kendall in her first tu-tu. (I imagine this feeling will only be topped when I see her in her first cheerleading uniform.) She beamed with pride ... it is so cute. Black and pink polka-dots. Anyway, that's her ballet costume. Then they switch the tu-tu for dance pants. Oh my gosh! I could hardly hold back the tears!!

I just can't believe how grown up she is now! 4 1/2 ... almost 5. Crazy. Times is just flying by ... and with the rush of the holidays and all the running around getting things together for my applications for work next year, I haven't really looked at her. How much she's really changed. Since we cut her hair, everyone keeps telling me how much she looks like me ... all I see is that she is no longer a baby. She's really a little girl now ... in big girl size clothes and big girl size shoes. She has big girl opinions and big girl ideas. She's starting to become her own person ...

Sigh. My babies are growing up. How come I didn't believe it when my mom said this time would go by so fast ...

Resolutions

I haven't made a resolution since the Christmas after Tanner was born. That was the year I decided weight loss was the promise I would make - to myself and my husband. And I also promised myself not to break the resolution. I mean everyone knows that resolutions don't usually last past January 15th or so ... but I stuck to my guns. And I've not made a resolution since then ... except to keep the weight off. So this year I'm making another resolution that I intend to keep.

My New Year's resolution for 2009?

To experience my life -- The last few weeks I've felt like I was just going through the motions. I spend my days going -- making food, cleaning up dishes, doing laundry, cleaning up messes. So from today on, I'm not going to worry so much about how everything looks, but about how everyone feels. I don't want my kids to think that I don't listen to them or value them. I don't want Tim to think that I can "do" without him. I want my family to know how much I need them and how much I want them around. I want to enjoy all the moments. I want to laugh more -- With my kids, with Tim, with the TV, with my friends. I want to give more hugs and kisses -- and hopefully to get more too! I never seem to be lacking in hugs from Tanner ... but I certainly don't give as much as I should. Perhaps Kendall would be less ornery if she got more lovin' from her Mommy. Perhaps the same is true of Tim. ;)

So there's the resolution for 2009. Of course, I'm still promising myself to do other things to take care of myself physically -- eat more fiber and less sugar; start running; start using an anti-wrinkle cream around my eyes -- but maybe taking care of my self emotionally will help with the physical downhill slide of aging.

Here's hoping that your new year is all you hope for. And here's hoping that you keep your resolution as I expect to keep mine!