Take Me Back

I just finished reading some posts by a fellow blogger.  What was posted really took me back.  The author was talking about the excitement of pregnancy and the anticipation of what was to come.  This couple is growing their first baby ... and it's funny how, in retrospect, everything takes on a new meaning.  I remember being pregnant and everyone older and wiser telling me that being so tired was my body's way of preparing me for the future; I had no idea how long I would be without sleep.  I remember reading countless books about what was happening inside my body and how to make a schedule and how to get the baby to sleep and how to prepare for birth and how to prepare for nursing ... ugh, countless, ENDLESS books.  But I read them all with relish, as if I couldn't take in enough information to prepare myself for becoming a mother.

What I also remember is how my pregnancy didn't go as planned.  At all.  I found myself on bed rest 9 weeks before Kendall's due date ... wishing I could get off the couch just to do a load of laundry.  Ha!  What I'd give for some bed rest now. :)  And then I remember heading to the hospital, all full of hopes and dreams of a natural birth after watching Birth Day on the Discovery Channel for 4 weeks.  I was ready to hit that birthing ball hard and go for walks and practice deep breathing ... and I did all those things, to no avail, and ended up with a C-section.  Then I recall crying and sobbing through the hours of attempting to nurse ... trying to keep the baby awake, trying to get her to latch, trying to get her  to drink enough to "bring" my milk in ... and then finally giving up because it was just too much.  And I remember feeling like a failure -- like my body had failed me.  Isn't this what women's bodies are for?  To grow babies and feed them?

Of course, I didn't remember much of this until I read what someone else wrote about their experiences of becoming first time parents.

But what I remember more than anything is what it felt like to hold Kendall in my arms for the first time.  What it felt like to look into those little eyes just below that precious little pink hat.  To see the love in Tim's eyes as he gazed at his baby girl.  How awesome and surreal it was to finally have her little finger wrapped around mine.

Even now it's like looking at a piece of my heart walking around outside my body.

Then I realize -- well, every time I look at her (and Tanner, for that matter) in all of her amazement -- THIS is what I was made for.  She is my reason for being.  And she is truly one of the best things I have ever done.

And I can't wait for my fellow blogger to experience this for the first time!