Favorite Photo Friday

It's back!  Because I know you've all been missing the posts of my favorite pictures of all time.

Actually, there has been a lot going on around here, what with the regular puppy-outings, school events, and bathroom renovations.  Oh, and not to mention the Fall happenings and what not.

So, in the spirit of Halloween, and because it's Fall, y'all, here is my favorite photo from the Morris family archives.

"Zoey" and Daddy

Trick or Treating

October 2006

This picture tells more of a story than you may think at first glance.  Not only is my little girl super-duper tiny in this picture, but look at the neighborhood!!  Of course, this is not our neighborhood; it is the one across the street.  We were the only house at this point, so we had to trek over to Crestmont to get some loot.  Notice how much daylight there is -- back then we had to go out pretty early because (what you can't see in the picture) we had a little 2 month old army man in a stroller.  And neither he nor his "big" sister were having any late nights at that point.

This picture just makes me realize how much Kendall has grown up.  So many things have been going on with her lately ... all because she's growing up and trying to figure out who she wants to be.  She has become downright sassy with her daddy and me, and I just keep reminding myself that she acts that way around us because she knows we will forgive her and love her unconditionally.    Physically, she is changing, too.  Thank goodness we aren't shopping in the training bra section yet, but I think that moment will be here in the blink of an eye.  I mean, I never thought the day would come when her clothes would fall off those tiny little hangers in her closet, and now they do.  Just last week we had sealants put on her PERMANENT molars.  What?  My baby is too little to have permanent teeth!  Not to mention, she has 4 teeth missing right now, which means those big goofy adult teeth are just around the corner (along with a few awkward years of school photos).  Lastly, Kendall has taken to spending a lot of time by herself.  Gone are the days of playing with little brother, for the most part.  She'll play with him from time to time, just because she doesn't have anything else to do.  But more nights than not, I can hear her in her room, radio turned up, singing away to some Taylor Swift or Selena Gomez song.  And most of the time she has her door closed.  "Mom, I just want some privacy, OKayyyyyyy?"  And all of this while still sneaking in a few sweet hugs and kisses and occasional moments of praise.

Like this morning when she said, "You know, Mom, you're pretty much perfect."

I adore my little girl and everything she adds to our family.  More today than yesterday because she always knows what to say when I need to hear it.

I miss my kids.

I was going to spend the first half of this post giving you the low-down on why I've been such a bad blogger as of late.  Instead, I will assume that all of you have been keeping tabs on me via the New Facebook that tells you my every move on the right of your screen.  For the one friend I have who is not on Facebook (Pennington), let me just say that my days have been filled with work, a new puppy, raising my kids, loving the hubs, and balancing all of the other things in-between.

Forward ahead to today (it's only been 3 months since I blogged ...)

I miss my kids.  I've had a pretty hard time lately with juggling all that goes into being a working mommy.  Granted, I don't work long hours (thank goodness its only 9-1 every day), but I do have to spend my time at home trying to do all the things that I used to do all day long while the kids were at school.  Lucky for me, I have a husband who enjoys helping around the house -- but I can say that I absolutely do not want to spend my time at home cleaning now.

Mommy guilt has kicked in to the -nth degree in the last week.  My kids went to school on picture day before I was able to snap a picture with our camera.  I refuse to pay $130 for school pictures, so I will not have any pictures from Fall picture day.  The same day, I sent in Tanner's field trip form with a simple check next to "My child ___________ has permission to attend the field trip.  Fee is attached."  This is the first time there was no check beside "I would like to be a chaperone."  That part made me really sad. And then, the same morning, I overheard another Supermom in my neighborhood telling her kiddos, "I'll see you at lunch, OK?"  I was almost in tears at that point.

I know my kids probably don't even notice that I don't come to eat with them that often.  I've only been once since school started.  My mom has been a couple of times, and Tim has even been once.  But I miss doing that.  Also, K brought home a U on a language arts test (which is the equivalent of an F) Friday, and I had to write en email to her teacher saying, "Sorry its taken me so long to get in touch with you, but K is failing and I just now have time to talk to you about it."

OK, it didn't actually say those exact words, but you get my drift.

And I think now I put ridiculous expectations on my kids when we are together.  I expect them to tell me all about their days and talk to me about their friends.  I expect them to love on me and tell me how much they miss me.  I expect them to be perfect little angels all the time because I want our time together to be perfect.

Those are ridiculous expectations for any 5 and 7 year olds, I know.  But it's what I want.

So, yes, I miss being a stay at home mom.  I miss having all that time to spend at school with the kids, getting to know their teachers and friends.  I miss the sweethearts my kids used to be ...

And are they ugly now because I don't spend so much time with them?  Do they misbehave because they do not have me there to guide them every step of the way?

Or are they just growing up?

But, I must add as a disclaimer, while I miss being a stay at home mom, I do really enjoy my job most days.  But that's a blog for another day!

Favorite Photo Friday

Tanner Michael - July 13, 2011

Amazed.  That is the only way to describe how I felt when I took this picture.  And proud.  Yes, I was crying as I snapped the photo and had to explain to Tanner that they were happy tears.  

This one has put me through the ringer this summer.  No doubt.  But then he goes and does something like this ...

Tim has been trying to get Tanner to ride his bike forever.  Every time he'd come out of the garage with a different riding toy (other than his bike) I would grow and more irritated.  No, I do not know how to ride a bike.  All the more reason for me to want both of my kids to know how.  I know how much they will be left out if they don't learn.  And then, when they are my age, people will crack jokes about them every chance they get.  (I know, I have great friends, right?!)  

So tow days ago, in the blazing Georgia heat, Tim took the training wheels off.  He gave Tanner one little push to get him started, and he hasn't stopped since.  He's only had one minor wreck that didn't even draw blood.  And he is so incredibly proud of himself.  As he should be.

And he cracks jokes with everyone else now about how Mommy doesn't know how to ride a bike and he does.  "And I'm still 4!"

Lovely.

I'm so proud of my monkey.

I Need a New Approach and I'm Open to Suggestions

I'm going to write this post while the feelings are still fresh.  I considered just writing it down and throwing it away, just to vent, but now I feel like I need to share it in the hopes that someone out there can shed some light on this subject.

In the recent months of crazies hurting babies, I've grown very weary of people.  While I've grown very weary of people I don't necessarily know, I've become very lenient with my own children.  I should keep reminding myself (every second) that they are only children.  They do not know the world like I do; nor do they understand the bad things that are out there.  They've learned about "stranger danger" and "good touch, bad touch," but they don't know all the statistics that support child abuse by people that the children do know.

Anyway, where is this coming from?  I just experienced the second incident this week of losing my kids.  No, we weren't in a department store or at a corn maze.  We were simply in our neighborhood.  OK, technically, they weren't "lost," as Kendall is quick to point out.  They knew exactly where they were. (They also knew they were exactly somewhere they weren't supposed to be. But I digress.)

We live in a small community -- 20 homes, to be exact.  Tim and I were the first couple on Creekwood Lane, and I have enjoyed getting to know the people who have moved in since we did.  We have a good number of kids -- not too many and not too few -- and all the parents are pretty good about watching each others kids when needed.  I feel like I am one of the more strict parents when it comes to certain rules -- I prefer that my kids not go inside anyone else's house.  I prefer that they not eat and drink at others' homes.  I prefer that they not play in the back yard of others' homes.  I don't feel like these are ridiculous requests, and I hope I don't come off as "the mean mom" when I don't allow other neighborhood children to do those things at my house.  Anyway, last weekend my kids decided to completely disobey one of the strict rules when they ventured into a neighbor's house.  The kids weren't even home, so I'm not sure why they thought they could go inside.  And they were innocently enough playing a video game and visiting when I went to drag them out by their ears bring them home, but it still left me feeling very uneasy.  Without scaring them, I tried to explain why is wasn't OK for them to be in the house when  we had no idea where they were.  They kept saying, "But we know them, Mom," and I wasn't sure how to counter that argument.  Tim and I finally settled it with, "If they are in the front yard, you can go visit."

Done.

Until this morning.  The daily ritual has pretty much become 1) Get up, 2) eat breakfast, 3) make beds, 4) go outside and play before it gets so darn hot.  This morning was no different.  And I have some consignment sale stuff to get in order, so I was going to clean out drawers and closets while the kids rode their bikes in the culdesac.  Naturally, as is usually the case, Tanner came in about 7 minutes into the task and asked if they could go ask Loren to play (our new neighbor who is the perfect age of 6 - right between Kendall and Tanner).  It was only 9:30, so I told them to just ride and if she saw them and wanted to come out, she would.  I peeked outside a few times and saw them riding in the road, so I figured it was all clear.  About 20 minutes went by before Tanner came in and asked if they could go ask if some other neighbors could play. I said no, simply because I didn't want them riding down the hill when I wasn't outside.  I also know that most of the dads are home on Saturday, and many of the families in our neighborhood like to do family time on Saturdays.  10 minutes later I looked outside and saw no sign of my kids.  I walked down to Loren's, but I know that her parents are much like Tim and myself, so my kids certainly wouldn't be in her house.  I put Snickers on her leash and we walked down the street.  I found their bikes in another neighbor's driveway (the one I specifically said no to) just as the mom pulled in the driveway.  2 of her 3 kids climbed out of the car, so then I was wondering what in the world my kids were doing down there, in the house, when only 1 of the kids was home.

Anyway, lonnnnnnng story-short, we have a new set of neighbors on the front of the street.  My kids had taken it upon themselves to, not only disobey the fact that I said no to going down the street, but had also traveled back up the street to a person's house I HAVE NEVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY IN A LINE UP SHOULD I HAVE TO.

OK, so I knocked on the door and introduced myself.  The mom was nice and sweet, and they have 2 gorgeous Weimerieners, and they have 2 kids (ages 7 and 9), and she gladly sent my two devil children angels out the door with Oreo crumbs on their faces.  I know I probably came off as rude and unfriendly, but I was so angry that I couldn't think straight.  Luckily, I held it in until she shut the front door.  I attempted to keep my cool as I told the kids to collect their bikes and helmets and follow me home.  I then told them, very calmly, that they would be spending the rest of the day inside the house because they deliberately disobeyed me.

"Well, I'm coming back outside after lunch.  I don't care what you say."

Excuse me???????

And that was the 4 year old.

Then the 7 year old said, "Mom, we just wanted to play.  And we know them.  It doesn't matter if you don't know them."

As I type it, her words don't sound so bad, but it was the tone.

I started to argue and explain why (again) it was not OK for her to be in this person's house, but I just gave up.  I don't know how else to explain it.  So I just walked.  And when they complained about not being able to push their bikes up the hill, I told them to leave them.  (Of course, they didn't.)  When they asked why they couldn't come back out after lunch, I told them because I said so.  Once they started arguing, I was seeing red and had no more words for them.

And then, when we entered the house, Kendall said, "Well, I'm going back out anyway."

If I could have reached her, I would have slapped her little 7-year-old cheek.

Seriously.

How did I get like this?  When did she get like this?  Have 7-year-old's always ben his sassy?  I hate that the thought even crossed my mind, but nothing else seems to be working with these two.  I know I love them, they obviously have no idea how much.  I know I shouldn't be a helicopter parent and follow them around everywhere, but when they get a tiny bit of freedom, they don't use it wisely.  I don't want them to be fearful of the world, but I want them to understand how serious I am about following the rules. And as I slapped peanut butter on their sandwiches and listened to them talk about how mean I am, tears welled up in my eyes.  Is this how it has to be?  In order to get some order and obedience, do I have to be mean and angry and nasty all the time?

Ugh.  Then, as we were eating lunch and both kids kept saying, "Why do you always make this?  We don't even like this," I just started crying.  And I still can't stop.

There are only so many times in a day when I can feel like a failure.  I know I'm not a failure -- but it feels that way sometimes.  I mean, in a course of 1 hour I ignored my kids, lost them, and then wanted to slap them when they ran off and talked back.  If I was more hands-on, I would know where they are all the time.  If I paid more attention to them, they wouldn't be so bored.  If I had fun things for them to do and cool places for them to go, they wouldn't be constantly asking to go bug the other kids.  I just wish I didn't always have to say, "No."  But I also know that it is my job to say no sometimes.  Until their own brains can decide if it's a good choice or a bad choice.

But I fear, from their recent endeavors, that they may never know the difference.

I'm thinking maybe I should just get lost for a little while and see how they feel about it.