Mom's Dirty Little Secrets

Parenting has an article this month that made me feel soooooo much better after I read it. Here are 4 dirty little secrets that many moms may share (even if they don't want to admit it!).

1) If you have more than on child, you'll probably have a favorite.-- This one is my secret. Well, I suppose it's not a secret to everyone. This article says that most mom's have a favorite, though it may change from moment to moment or day to day. When Tanner was a newborn and had to have his needs met all day long, Kendall was the favorite. She helped me out, bringing me diapers and bottles. She was very good at entertaining herself while I fed Tanner or rocked him. She was always quiet when he was sleeping (which was most of the time). Today, Tanner is my favorite simply because he is at the age that I adore - 15 to 30 months. He is inquisitive without being annoying and sweet without being needy. I'm sure that any mom can relate. And I also know that as they get older, my "favorite" will change. It will be interesting to see who is my favorite when they are 11 and 13, or 13 and 15!

2) Raising kids gets much easier physically as they get older ... but much harder mentally. -- Hallelujah!! I was so excited when Kendall was potty-trained. No more carrying around 2 sizes of diapers and enough wipes for an army. And it was wonderful when Tanner started walking because he never wanted to be held. My arms were finally free, after 3 years of carrying one or more children!! However, had I known then (yes, there are "those words") that the potty-trained little girl would become such a stubborn and opinionated little girl, I gladly would have let her stay in PullUps for another year! And I also should have known that once Tanner started walking, the two would gang up on me in stores. I think they plan it in the car on the way every time. Once both kids have their feet steady on the store floor, they take off -- in separate directions, and I have to fight back the urge to scream in public (because I hate moms that do that). It's also tough handling children as they get older because they all these emotions that they can't explain; hence, the temper tantrums. And you hate seeing them cry, but you want them to be independent members of society one day, so you don't want to give in. It's tough making decisions when it seems like a lose-lose situation. I'm waiting for the day when Kendall and Tanner both say "Please" and "Thank you" to a person they don't know without prompting from me. It will be my reward for putting up with all these mentally challenging situations; to know that I have raised respectful, polite children.

3) Taking care of kids actually isn't that hard. But it can make everything else in life nearly impossible. -- This one made me laugh. I remember the first year I was at home with Kendall and Tanner. Tanner was a newborn, and Kendall was 26 months old. Once we got a schedule down with the baby, life actually wasn't so hard. Until I tried to make a phone call. Or load the washing machine. Or take a shower. If all we had to do, as moms (and dads), was take care of the kids, we'd be set! I can get them up, clothe them, feed them, play with them, bathe them, and put them to bed. Those are the easy things. It's the grocery shopping, vacuuming, cooking, driving, and eating that are a little more difficult with the kids. So as I'm trying to accept that I must go back to work in a year, I'm realizing that all the other stuff can wait. I want to relish this time with the kids; make it the best year we have together. If Tim's boxers don't get washed, he'll be OK. If we have to fast food because I never got dinner cooked, it's not a big deal. All the toys don't have to be picked up when Tim gets home; they can be picked up later. If we can't do all the things we want to do right now, it'll be fine. We can do them later, after we have taken care of our babies. So now I have let myself not get so worked up over the "other" stuff in my life. I'm living by the phrase "Don't sweat the small stuff." Take care of the relationships and everything else can take care of itself, eventually.

4) Your child might not turn out the way you want her to. -- I'm still waiting to see how this one will work out for us. Kendall and Tanner are still so young. I find Tim and myself trying to push things on the kids unintentionally. I want Kendall to take dance and be a cheerleader. We have been pushing trucks and bugs on Tanner since he was born. But what if Kendall decides that she doesn't want to be a cheerleader? Or go to the University of Georgia? Or be a Sigma Kappa? Will I be devastated? Yes, initially I will be. But I will get over it. I also know that Tim and I can be the best possible parents, and there are still external things that will influence how the kids turn out. Look at my brother. While he has certainly matured into a strong, proud family man, he wasn't always that way. And we were raised the same way, by the same parents, in the same home. We were just complete opposites. In ways, we still are. Tim and his sister are the same. Keri was the book smart one (like me) while Tim was a hands-on learner who couldn't wait to get out of school (like Josh). We are all successful now; we just got here on different roads. And I think my kids are the same way, opposites, I mean ... but it's still too early to tell. We'll see in a few years!

So those are my 4 dirty little secrets. I guess they aren't secrets anymore. I'd love to hear some of your opinions on the subjects ... make me feel like I'm not the worst mom for feeling like this!! If you think I'm terrible, that's fine. But I KNOW that you agree with at least ONE of these secrets ... and you know you do, too!

She must have known I needed a break!

A happy blog after yesterday's sad report --

This is my well-rested little girl.

This is the bed she slept in ALL NIGHT BY HERSELF.

And she got to play on the computer today. :)

And I like her so much more for it!!

Like a brick to the head

It hits me out of nowhere. Like a truck. Nothing subtle about it.

It can be triggered by any number of things -- a song ("I Can Only Imagine"), a sound (a passing motorcycle), a look (Tanner's baby blue eyes), a question (Is Heaven way, way up high?), a photo.

You're thinking I'm talking about my crazy temper, right? My feelings of total instability at times?

No, that's not it at all. I'm talking about the overwhelming feeling of sadness ... how much I miss my dad. (Yes, mom, stop reading now.)

Most of you know that I lost my dad 3 years, 2 months, and 19 days ago. It was very sudden, in a DUI accident on 575. The man (well, he was more of a boy) who killed him tried to pass and cut him off too soon, sending his pickup off the road. My dad was killed instantly, and instantly, he was ripped from our lives.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was 5 days out of teaching my 4th year. Kendall and I were enjoying a day together on my summer vacation. Mom was out of town, Tim was at work, the day was normal. Until I got a call from my brother. Strange? Yes. He was in North Carolina, serving his first year of service in the Army. So I answered the phone, interested to see what stories Josh had to tell. All he said was, "Have you talked to Mom?" "No, why?" "Dad's dead."

Hunh? Yeah, just like that. It hit me. I couldn't do anything but scream and collapse. Kendall just started crying along with me, I think because I scared her. My body was taken over by something bigger than me. I couldn't control myself. I called Lynn, my MIL, to see if she could come over. I knew I couldn't take care of Kendall at that moment. She was already on her way. Then I talked to Tim and he was on his way. The cavalry was arriving, and I was a mess.

That was, by far, the worst day of my life. The worst moment. The worst feeling.

But these are not the things I find myself thinking about when I start to have the overwhelming feeling of missing him. There are a multitude of things about my dad that made him wonderful; I wish I had known that when he was alive. He knew how much I loved him; I just wish I had told him every day. Here's a list of the things I think about the most:

1) His beard. I find myself thinking all the time that I'll never feel that beard on my cheek again. It was scratchy, and grey, but it was him; it was "PawPaw." All the times he shaved it off, he just wasn't right.

2) Dancing with him at my wedding. I knew, before Tim and I planned the wedding, that Daddy and I were going to dance to "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle. It was never a question. And as the day approached, I was so excited to dance with him in front of all of my family and friends. We were never particularly affectionate (not that I can remember), but I always thought of myself as a Daddy's Girl. So when he took my hand on that dance floor, I knew this was the perfect song. He held me close, we swayed to the music, lost in our world. I wiped my eyes with tissue, and in the verse that says, "Walk me down the aisle, Daddy," he sobbed. I mean, broke down. I had to hold him up. I knew then what love truly was between a father and daughter. I can only hope that one day Kendall will understand the same love with Tim.

3) His camouflage cargo pants. The ones he cut grass in, rode his bike in, sat around the house in ... he loved those pants! And it drove Mom crazy when he wanted to wear them to family functions (this was after the overall stage), but everyone expected it, so they weren't surprised. They suited him perfectly. They were worn, dependable, cozy.

4) The way he loved. And I don't mean the way he loved me ... I mean the way he loved everything. He knew that he was "fearfully and wonderfully made." As a recovered addict, he knew every day was precious. And he loved that way. He loved my mom. He brought her flowers. He rubbed her feet every night. He loved my brothers and me. He supported us in everything we did, regardless of how good or bad it was for us. He loved his grandbabies. He was the best grandpa; I feel blessed that Kendall had the chance to meet him and know him, if only for 1 year. He loved his friends. He had these crazy friends that he rode bikes with. They had long hair and wore lots of leather. And, above all else, he loved God. And he never afraid to share his faith. Even when it wasn't cool to be Christian, he was.

5) He called me "punkin." He wrote me a letter every year on my birthday, addressed to "Punkin". At first they were in my birthday cards, just small notes telling me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. Then when I went to college, he began writing longer letters. He would tell me about the things he had learned since becoming a grown up. He was still proud, but it made him sad to watch me grow up, he said. I actually stumbled upon a letter he wrote to me when I graduated from college in a book called God's Little Devotional Book for Teachers. (Perhaps, that is what has provoked this extremely long blog!)

6) He was proud. He was proud of being a husband, proud of being a father, proud of being a grandpa. He was proud of being an American, proud of being a veteran, proud of being a Christian. He was proud of being a friend, proud of being a pastor, proud of being a shepherd to the Lord!

So, I've reread this and I see that I still have not even come close to covering all the wonderful things about my dad. I wish that I could explain all the things about him that made him great. I wish that I could explain how much I miss him and how sad it makes me that Tanner will never know him. I wish I had spent more time with him when he was on this Earth. I wish I had told him how proud I was to have him as a dad.

You can put your Kleenex away now. I'm finished with this topic for now ... but I'm bound to revisit again one day. I'll give warnings ...

Tell your loved ones how much they mean to you today ... and every day ...

Couldn't resist sharing.

Mom and I decided to hit the local Old Navy this morning. They are having a one day jean sale; and you can never have too many jeans, especially at $12. So we shopped around for a few minutes, both kids holding quarters in their little hands, waiting to buy bouncy balls if they were good. We checked out, bouncy balls in hand, praising both kids on being so good in the store. It was really crowded, really loud, and we only had to carry Tanner for a few minutes. They were great!

So on the way home in the car, I told Kendall that we were going back to our house so Tanner could take a nap. Mom was going back to her house to take a nap before the kids come to spend the night tonight (ahhhh....sigh.......). I can't share this without just giving it to you in conversation style.

Kendall: I want to go to Nana's house.
Me: No, Nana is going to take a nap and then you can go over later.
K: I'll take a nap with Nana.
Nana: If you will really lay down and go to sleep, you can stay with me. But you have to sleep.
K: I think I'll just go home with Mommy.
M: That's fine. But we have to be quiet and rest because Tanner and Daddy will both be sleeping.
K: OK, I'm gonna play on the computer.
M: No, you're not.
K: But I waaaannnnnnt to. (Whining)
N: You can't today.
M: Why can't you play on the computer, Kendall? Tell Nana why you can't.
K: No.
M: You didn't sleep all night in your bed, did you? That's why you can't play on the computer.
K: Ohhhhhhhh (whining), when are we going to the beach?!

Mom and I just cracked up! You see, I've told Kendall that after we get back from the beach, she has to sleep all night in her bed or I'm locking her door. So I guess she thinks that it will just magically happen when we return from Cocoa Beach!

By the way -- I'm watching Take Home Nanny, and they are working on 3 kids staying in their beds to sleep. None of these kids have EVER slept in their own beds. They are 3 1/2 and 2. So how come these kids are staying in their beds the second night????????? Everyone makes it look so easy.