Blessings

Every year as June 6th rolls around, I find myself in a really grumpy mood.  Of course, I don't realize why the grump has washed over me.  I usually contribute it to a full moon or grouchy kids who are already bored with their summer vacation.  Or I may blame it on Tim's work schedule or my lack of direction/motivation or the fact that I'm so frustrated with not being able to find another teaching job.

Alas, I woke up this morning and Kendall announced, "Today is June 6th, Mommy."

She was, of course, reminding me that her 8th birthday is only 10 days away.

But all I heard was "June 6th."  And I was suddenly overwhelmed with sorrow.  Most of you know today is the anniversary (which I hate calling it because anniversaries are supposed to be happy ...) of my dad's death.  Yes, I still remember every second of that day.  I'm not sure those memories will ever fade.

But what does scare me is that other memories are fading -- I don't dream of him as much as I used to.  I remember what he looks like and what his voice sounds like, but somethings I can't remember.  And that makes me so sad.

How will I tell the kids about their grandpa if I can't remember every single bit of him?  How can I make then understand what a loving and caring man he was?  How can I make them understand his passions and his ambitions?  How will I ever be able to make them believe how much he loved them -- even Tanner, whom he never met?

After moping for an hour and thinking about how to talk to them about what I'm feeling, I instead decided to look at it a different way.

I am so blessed to have had a man like that as my daddy.  I am blessed to have videos of him with his voice, so I'll never forget.  I'm blessed he was there to walk me down the aisle and to dance with me at my wedding.  I'm blessed I was able to see him holding my first born.  I'm blessed to have heard (and read) the words telling me he was proud of me.  I'm blessed to have handwritten notes and photos of him so I'll never forget what he looked like.

And I can share all of those memories with my kids, his grand babies.  I hope that my older nieces know how blessed they are to have memories of him.  He adored his granddaughters.  And I know he would have given anything to laugh with his grandsons.

So instead of being sad today, I will instead hold onto these blessings.