Ferberization and inconsistency -- my savior and my weekness

I have found something that really works!! Well, apparently it was found many, many years ago, but the idea has always had a negative connotation for me. Recently, after my complaining about not getting any sleep, a friend suggested the Ferber method. At this point in the game, I'm all for anything that will work! Tim and I had turned the doorknob around and we were about to lock her in for the night when Katherine scanned and emailed some pages from her book. Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems seems pretty straight forward. There's no "reasoning" with you child or being "robotic", the two extremes that I just can't seem to do. I know there is absolutely no point trying to talk to Kendall in the middle of the night to get her to stay in her bed. No asking her, "Why are you scared?" or "What can Mommy do to make you feel better?" I also, however, cannot do it the Supernanny way. I tried just picking her and putting her back in bed and walking out. I did it over and over and over ... but it seems that no explanation isn't the answer either. So Ferber it is.



3 nights ago I sat down after the kids were finally asleep and read the pages Katherine emailed. It seemed easy enough. The fundamental rule is if you stay in your bed, your door stays open; if you get out of bed, your door closes. And Kendall does not like her door closed. So night before last, before bed I explained the process to Kendall very plainly, just like the book says. Tim still sat with her to go to sleep (which we're figuring out is not going to work), but when she woke up at 2:30, I picked her up, put her in bed and said that if she got up, I was going to close her door. About 20 mins. later she came to get me, and as promised, I put her in bed and closed her door for 1 minute. She was fine at first, but once she felt she couldn't just open the door, she started crying. After 1 minute, I opened the door and put her back in, telling her that if she got out of bed, I would close her door, but for now I was going back to my bed and leaving her door open. About 3:15, she came out again, and I put her back and held the door for 2 minutes. (It's all progressive.) She FREAKED OUT!! Screaming, crying, wailing, banging on the door ... so we only made it to 80 seconds, but she got the point. After being put back in bed she only called out for me once (but didn't get out of bed!), and then fell asleep around 4, by herself, in her bed, and slept til 8 AM.

Wow, I thought! That really wasn't so bad at all. Then last night, she went to sleep by herself (with a little protest, but still alone), woke up at 12:30, I put her back in bed, told her to stay, and she did! Until Tanner woke her up crying at 5. Poo. So this is where the inconsistency comes in. At 5 AM, do I leave her in her room where she can't go back to sleep because I'm letting Tanner cry, or do I put her in my bed to go back to sleep? This is soooooo hard!! So against my better judgement, I put her in my bed ... and she didn't really ever go back to sleep ... because she knew she was supposed to be in her bed.

Oh well ... at least we're getting through to her. And I'm very proud of her ... and myself ... now to just get the rocking chair out of Tanner's room ...

TAG, I'm it!

I've been tagged in the blog world by Jamie. Apparently I have to tell you 5 random things about myself. Here's goes:

1. I wear Invisalign braces at night.

2. My favorite kind of muffins are bran muffins -- actually I like anything bran ... flakes, muffins, cereal, granola bars, cookies.

3. I didn't ride my first roller coaster until I was 21 years old, and my first one was the Ninja. Crazy, I know!

4. I have known my best friend Stacey for 24 years, since 1 st grade. She moved in 5th grade and we are still best friends!

5. I don't know how to ride a bicycle.



Now I tag Heather, Jason, Karen, Anne, and Amy/Tim.

Tattling vs. Telling

A new monster has reared its ugly head in the Morris household. I'm not sure who opened the door to this monster. Perhaps all homes with 4-year-old girls get a visit ... the question is - how do we deal with it?

The monster I am referring to it the TattleTale. It is an ugly, fierce monster. Very hard to deal with. Mean. Sneaky. And whiny. And Kendall has welcomed it with open arms.

I must try to make you understand how ferocious the TattleTale can be. If you have not encountered one, you should know that it approaches slowly and quietly. And then, when you least expect it, it pounces. Usually in late afternoon when you may be trying to fold some laundry or get dinner ready. It changes your child ... your once sweet and capable-of-dealing-with-her-own-problems child. I'm not certain why this creature usually finds little girls to be more appealing than little boys. Maybe it's because little boys are more likely to, um, find other ways to deal with issues that come up between themselves and their friends. But girls are different. So now, instead of trying to beat the monster off with a stick, we're trying to figure out how to live with it.

Tattletales are not so bad all the time. They can provide large amounts of information when needed. I sort of think of them as little gossips. However, there is a side of the TattleTale that is nothing short of annoying. Allow me to give you an example:

This morning, I was rushing around trying to get myself, Kendall, and Tanner dressed before taking Kendall to school and taking Tanner to the doctor. Tanner was jumping on the bed with his shoes on, which is usually a no-no, but you do what you have to do to get out the door before 9 AM. So Tanner was jumping while I was begging Kendall to brush her teeth and trying to find a T-shirt that wasn't too wrinkled to throw on. Instead of brushing her teeth, like I asked, Kendall proceeded to give me commentary on everything Tanner was doing.

"Mommy, Tanner is jumping on the bed. He has his shoes on. He's not supposed to do that."

Well, duhhhh. If only she could put so much effort into staying in her bed at night! I've been trying to explain to Kendall that she doesn't have to tell me Tanner is doing something if I am standing right there. I can see him. So I told her to go brush her teeth and let me deal with Tanner.

Another example, which is the more likely scenario:

I'm trying to get dinner ready in the midst of Witching Hour. Kendall and Tanner are playing on the back deck, quietly at first. Then it starts.

"Mommy, Tanner is driving his car around the table."

"Mommy, Tanner told me no."

"Mommy, Tanner is blowing bubbles out of his nose."

"Mommy, Tanner won't let me jump off the porch." (OK, that one is a stretch.)

Anyway, you can see the pattern. Kendall has made a habit of tattling about anything and everything that doesn't go her way. So, how to deal with it.

I read an article (there I go reading again) about teaching your kids the difference between "telling" and "tattling." This is what we've been trying to teach Kendall. "Telling" is what you do when someone is doing something that hurts you or themselves. Tattling is the opposite. So now, every time Kendall wants to tell me that Tanner is picking his nose or playing with his wee-wee, I remind her that he is not hurting her. If Tanner hits or bites her, then she can tell me all she wants. So far, this seems to be working. We still have to remind her about, oh, 15 times a day, but maybe some of it is sinking in. And it doesn't hurt that there is usually an episode on Dora or Super Why explaining the difference between tattling and telling, too. Mom's always need reinforcements.

For now, the TattleTale appears to be under control in the Morris house. Hopefully he won't set up camp for too long ... or Mom and Dad will have to break out some "monsters" of their own!

Quite a Scare

Allow me to introduce you to Lovey. Lovey is Tanner's comfort object. Yes, I meant to capitalize Lovey because it is a proper noun in our house ... Tanner almost considers it a person, I think. In his head, he cannot live without Lovey. And on Friday evening, Lovey disappeared.

Yes, we had quite a scare. If any of your children have a lovey (or a bear, or a baby), you will understand how devastating this was for our little man. Kendall has always had a lovey- her pink and white bunny blanket. For years, she wouldn't go anywhere without hers. So it was inevitable that Tanner would have one as well. My cousin Laurie even bought Tanner the same kind of lovey, a blue and white bunny blanket. So from the day he was in his own bed, I have had that bunny blanket in Tanner's bed. It took a long time before he bonded with that blanket. I don't really have evidence of a bond until around March 2007. There are a few pictures here and there, but nothing like what we have with Lovey now.

For months, Tanner could care less about that bunny blanket. He wanted it when he slept, but it didn't soothe him much during the day. The only crazy thing was that he wouldn't suck his thumb without having his lovey in the crook of his arm. Once the connection was made between the two (lovey and thumb), it was never broken.

Now some of you are thinking, "Now wait a minute. I've seen Lovey, and he ain't no blue and white bunny blanket." Well, you are correct. Starting sometime around January, Tanner started taking a liking to anything silky. He would use my nightgowns, Kendall's dress-up clothes, her PJ pants, a Barbie dress. Then, one day while cleaning out my drawer I stumbled upon a scarf I bought in college. It's is tiger striped and silky. Once Tanner found it, that was it. Lovey was born.

Now it is hard to find Tanner without Lovey. It always travels in our diaper bag and rides in the car seat with Tanner. Lovey swims, rides tractors, eats dinner at our table, sits in timeout, and goes grocery shopping. Tanner must have it to sleep. And really, there is no replacement. It smells disgusting, as most comfort objects do. It has holes in it where he has chewed on it until he could get his thumb through a hole (therefor making it easier to hang onto, I guess). When I have to wash it (which he does let me do occasionally), he paces in front of the washing machine and dryer while it is being cleaned. And once it is out, he is ecstatic.

So on Friday, Kendall and Tanner had been playing all over the place ... outside, upstairs, in bedrooms, jumping on beds ... so when Lovey came up missing, we weren't even sure where to start looking. Naturally, we didn't realize it was missing until bathtime, which didn't give us much time to turn the house upside down looking for it. Tanner walked around yelling, "Lo-vey. Where are you?" while Tim and I pulled out toys, looked under furniture, checked cabinets, looked under the deck outside, everything. After searching for a bout an hour, we came up with nothing. It was bedtime and I had to prepare Tanner for a night without Lovey ... and perhaps many nights afterwards.

So as bedtime neared, we talked about sleeping with "new lovey" and how we would find "other Lovey" tomorrow. He was agreeable until we sat down in the rocking chair.

"Mommy, where udder Lovey go?"

"Lovey went bye-bye, Babby. You're gonna sleep with new lovey tonight. Remember?"

"OK."

And so it went on for 20 minutes or so. I would rock and hum, he would sit quietly with 3 or 4 other silky objects crammed in the crook of his arm. Just when I thought he was drifting off, he would say, "Mommy, where udder lovey go?" I finally got him to get in his bed and fall asleep after about 45 minutes, but it didn't last. Tanner woke up several times that night asking for Lovey. It was heartbreaking.

Saturday the kids went to Mom's to spend the day and night so Tim and I could go to Athens. I mentioned to her that Lovey was lost, but not to mention anything about it and maybe he would forget. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Nope. When he got home Sunday, first thing he said to me was, "Mommy, where udder lovey go?"

I was prepared for the fact that I had probably scarred my little boy for life. He would never be comforted again in his times of need. He would be unable to love and nurture his own children and to care for his wife. He would become a cynical and pessimistic man because his comfort abject was taken away too early. How would he ever survive?

Then it happened. We were upstairs cleaning the playroom (which had been turned inside-out twice, mind you) when Tanner yelled, "I foun udder lovey, Mommy!!!" I've never seen him so happy! Never! He immediately stuck Lovey in the crook of his arm, stuck his thumb in his mouth and laid down on the floor in the middle of the room. I honestly thought he would drift off to sleep right there . . . it was so sweet.

So all is well in the world. Lovey has returned. Tanner is whole ... and happy. And I will never again be embarrassed by the fact that my son carries a tiger-striped Lovey everywhere he goes.

Animal print is in, after all!