Has it really been that long?

Almost a month since I've updated? Really?

Shame on me.

And as I type this, I have two loads of laundry waiting to be moved, folded, and put away.

Shame on me, again.

SO allow me to update everyone on what's going on ...

Kendall is still Kendall -- still Mommy's little helper, though she has really taken to helping more than before. I think she has learned to be a lot more independent at school, putting away her belongings and such. After dinner she is really good about bringing her plate to the sink and wiping off her spot at the table. She can get herself in and out of the bath (though she's not always willing) and dress herself. She can fix her own breakfast, pour her own drinks, brush her own teeth, and even run the washer/dryer if I need her to. It's really quite amazing how much she's changed in just over 3 months. Oh -- AND SHE'S READING. Like, really reading. Words. And sentences. I know several of my friends have kindergartners that have been reading for a while, but I don't care. I've learned not to compare kids, and all I care about is that my little girl is a reader. And she loves it. Just like her momma. Her handwriting is getting increasingly better, and her whining fits are happening less often. Actually, Kendall has finally outgrown the "funk" she's been in. Everyone promised me this would happen when she turned 5 and started school. And actually, I found myself getting all misty-eyed yesterday in the store when I saw a mom holding a 6-week old little girl. Kendall just cooed over her, and I found myself remembering when she was so tiny ... and how I NEVER thought I would survive to this point. And here we are. My tiny baby is a big girl now ...

Tanner is still ... well, a 3-year-old boy. (Those of you who have one or more are nodding your heads in understanding.) He continues to surprise me with his daily antics. 5 days out of 7 he is into something ... gum in the fire extinguisher ... peanut butter in his hair ... stamps on the baby dolls ... stickers on the dresser ... glue stick on the walls ... you get the point. He certainly keeps me busy. (At this very moment he is hurling pieces of his train set around the playroom, so I should probably hurry!) I adore him. Truly. No matter how angry I get with him, all he has to do is smile at me and I forgive him. I feel a little guilty sometimes about how much more easily forgive him over Kendall. I also know that part of the reason he gets into so much is because I am so easy on him. He's not really been disciplined up to this point, so it's like teaching an old dog new tricks now. We'll see how it goes. We have put a hold on potty-training. I think I'll pick it back up next week when Kendall is out of school and we can really focus.

As for Tim and myself, it's going pretty well. He is working a lot, which we have decided is a BLESSING. I'm trying to stay positive and not nag him when he can't always be at home. I know he does it for us. MonaVie is going well; we actually reached Star 500 Rank last week without even realizing it! Very exciting stuff. I'm still getting lots of no's and not right now's, but I'm going to stay persistent and diligent. I feel better physically than I have in a long time, and with no medicines or drugs. That is worth the world to me. My brother Josh returned home from his second tour in Iraq last Tuesday, and I am so thankful to have him home. Now we are just gearing up for the holidays.

Time to tackle the Christmas list on eBay ...

Sickies

I can feel them creeping into my house. Through the holes in the walls, the vents, the faucets ...

The germs.

They are everywhere.

I have been wiping everything down - door knobs, faucets, fridge handles - trying to eliminate what I can. Of course, then Kendall comes home from school and shakes her hair out of her ponytail and all the new germs find new places to breed.

It's truly disgusting. But also a part of life.

So, today, with Kendall at school (after drinking her Airborne and and swallowing her Mucinex), Tanner and I are staying here, cuddled up under his blanket. Hopefully my Mommy-love can help him get better quick. :)

Quitters

I feel like I am surrounded by quitters. And crazy people.

Well, not immediately surrounded ... but my life is engulfed with them.

Tim and I got some upsetting news this morning about yet another family member who will be getting divorced. These are particularly "close" family members, as were the last two we heard about, so I am truly upset about the situation.

I mean, what ever happened to "til death do us part?" "In sickness and in health?" "In good times and in bad?" Do these people not remember that they stood before GOD and promised to stay together FOREVER???

Lord knows Tim and I have had our rough patches. Yes, plural. We've been "together" for 16 years, so naturally we have had our own growing pains through our journey together. But we are still in it for the long haul. And the fact that others don't view their marriages the same way really disturbs me. You can't just throw away those years ... and in this case it is 20+ years. I mean, what was the point? Really?

So I'm upset.

And even more devoted to making sure Tim and I WORK ON KEEPING IT TOGETHER.

S and T ... I love you both and I hope you come out stronger after all of this!!

Dreaming Big

I'm feeling very selfish right now.

I've had access to this wonderful bit of, well, information, for about a month, and I haven't shared it with anyone.

Why?

Because I was scared. Afraid of rejection, I have failed to mention it to any of my family or friends, even when you are all talking about how tired you are, how much energy you lack, or how much you wish you could find a way to make some extra cash. I have had ample opportunity to tell people, but my pride always jumped in my mouth before the words could come out.

But last night, our good friends came over a for a visit and we were discussing our dreams. Mainly, our dreams for the future. You know, "Where would you like to be in a year? Five years?"

And you know what's sad?

I have forgotten how to dream.

All my life, my dream has been to be married to a good man, have kids, live in a nice house, and be comfortable. If I could be a stay at home mom, even better.

Now, here I am at 31, and my dreams have come true? Really? This is it?

So as we're talking about our dreams, I realized that I still have dreams for our future -- our future as a family. But I had to dig really DEEP to find them. Of course, I have the immediate dream of finishing our basement and repainting the house. I suppose that one doesn't really count. Further in the future, I'd like to be able to take more than one vacation a year, preferrably out of the country. (For those of you who don't remember, Tim and I went to Colorado in February. What a pain now to know that our only vacation was taken that early in the year!) I would love not to have to worry about college for the kids -- for them to be able to go wherever they choose and not be strapped to a Georgia school just because they have to use the HOPE scholarship. (Naturally, I would be overjoyed if they both went to UGA, but whatever.)

More than anything I want to be able to stay home without feeling guilty all the time. This is the biggest issue. I know how hard Tim is working right now to take care of our family. He works ridiculous hours most of the time, and we still live, somewhat, paycheck to paycheck. And I have grown more and more guilty over this in the past few months. I know what a difference it would make if I was working. But secretly, I really don't want to go back next year either. I will because I don't like having to ask if it's OK if I buy Kendall a new pair of rain boots. But Tim knows how much money is coming in and how much needs to be going out in the next few weeks, so it's best to ask him first.

And all of that guilt on top of my lack of sleep and anxiety had put me into a serious stupor here. I had put back on about 10 lbs. My skin was flaring up again. My anxiety/depression was starting to creep back out of the shadows. My temper was horrible with the kids. The glass was always half empty. And I could feel myself beginning to snap.

Then, about a month ago, Tim came home and said that Will was coming over so we could buy some EMv.

Hunh?

I thought the same thing.

Allow me to explain.

Due to his crazy work schedule, Tim had taken to drinking those disgusting energy drinks -- you know the ones. NOS, Monster, Red Bull. And have you ever looked at the ingredient list for one of those things? If you can't read it, you shouldn't be putting it in your body, right? I mean, they were probably eating his stomach from the inside out. Plus, he hadn't been sleeping much and he was sick. And had been sick for a week or so.

So Will was coming over.

And Will brought his EMv (which is an energy drink made of juice ... and good for you). And before Tim could even get an order made, we had become distributors (mainly because it is cheaper to sign up as a distributor, and we're all about cheaper). We payed money we didn't have for a product we had never put in our mouths with the promise of sharing it with as many people as we could. Not because we are people of faith, but because we are people who are desperate for something to change. Desperation is a crazy thing!

And now here we are, a month later (and another shipment later), and we haven't shared it with anyone. Why? Because I'm scared of what people will think.

But that stops now.

Like I said before, I've been selfish. I'm so busy in my day-to-day life that I don't notice thw difference MonaVie has made. Here's a quick laundry list:

1. Better sleep - I don't sleep longer, per se, but when I wake up, I feel refreshed.
2. More productivity/focus - I finish my to-do list 5 days out of 7. And you stay at home mom's know what a big deal that is!
3. My temper is under control.
4. Cravings are down.
5. Skin is better.
6. My post-workout soreness is minimal.
7. Kendall says, "Mommy I can tell you feel better today."

And the biggest one is that there is a feeling of possibility here. Tim and I know that our future is in our hands. If we want things to be better, then we have to do something about it! So while we work on feeling better physically, we are also going to work on feeling better financially.

We haven't forgotten how to dream. And that's importnant. We are too young to be content -- we want to be happy. :)